Shonta/Kite
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If you catch me dreaming
Please don't wake me 'til I'm done
Just leave me sleeping
Until the morning comes
"Just pass me over
Make believe that I'm not there
Just leave me be
Until the saviour comes
I love that song. Don't know why, but its seemingly melancholy tone masked a religious meaning. Right now its chorus was echoing in my head so loudly I thought that someone was playing it on a stereo nearby. It repeated itself as I collapsed on the other bed in Dimitri's room. My body could hardly move and even Kite was silent.
I couldn't do this. The danger and drama that this adventure promised would tear my spirit apart before it was half over. If my bones wouldn't break by the Fearls' attack, then my heart would from the knowledge that Ryan, even though he was Adalia here, had another love in his/her life. I was sort of relieved that she was worried about Loki at the moment. The less she thought about me, the less she could worry about me.
Just leave me to sleep. Let my mind drift until this whole nightmare is over. My eyes closed to blissful slumber.
"Mommy? Hot Rod?" My six-year-old self wandered through my grandmother's house, finding no one to look after me when I got home from school. The place was so quiet I was afraid to hear the slightest sound.
"No one's here," a voice said from behind me. It was me...an older version of me, probably eleven or twelve years old, with braids in her hair and a serious face. "That stinks. The only people that would care if you disappeared aren't here anymore."
"What are you talking about?" I asked her.
"Those Valentines you're carrying aren't worth squat. You'll find out soon that your so-called friends wouldn't give you anything if they weren't obligated. They're sick of your innocent nature and eagerness to please the teacher. You should've stayed quiet. That way you won't have to worry about those little trips to the psychiatrist." She glared at me and vanished.
"Huh? You're wrong; they do care."
Another me walked into view, this one a lot older and wearing glasses. "Are they? You don't know now, but you're going to live a lonely life. You're me; you should know that no one cares. No one wants to know you or understand you."
"That's not true!"
"It is! Everyone has left without notice or warning, without anything for you to remember them by. Not even a phone number, e-mail, or change of address. If they really cared about you, then they would've wanted to tell you how they were doing with their new life."
"Stop it, please!"
"Aww, poor baby. It seems I'm the voice of reason. Why do you cling to life? You're not making a plausible attempt of securing your future. Every day seems to get worse as you seem to fade way. So disappear completely and let someone else fill in the space."
My eyes shot open. A little light shone through the window, indicating that the sun was rising. I held up my shaking hands and tried to shake away my thoughts. I was still so tired I felt that I could sleep all day. "I need some air."
The hotel was silent but my ears could pick up the sounds of steady breathing. Just a couple of doors over was an open door that showed an open patio. There stood Adalia. At least you care, Ryan. But how can you handle such a complicated matter as this? You love me, but Adalia loves Loki. And you two are one in the same but I still feel like I'm still Shonta.
"Couldn't sleep either?" Adalia asked me as she noticed me watching her.
I shook my head. "I really wanted to but the nightmares wouldn't let me." I stood by her as we watched the sun rise. She smiled at me and leaned against me. Trying to show some concern I changed the subject. "So how's he doing?"
"Better now. He's sleeping, and I am trying to build back up my mana." I nodded, unable to hide the slight irritation from my selfish side. She frowned when she saw that look. "You don't like him much, do you?"
Despite my will to get along with everyone, I chose to be honest. "If he leaves me alone, I'll leave him alone."
"It's because of me..." She hung her head. "You guys don't like each other because you both love me."
As absurd as that sounds, it's absolutely true. I groaned and headed toward the door, wanting to end the conversation right there before it got too melodramatic.
"Don't leave...please, Shonta."
I stopped in my tracks at the sound of my real name. "Look, I'm exhausted from holding a shield up for so long and don't feel like getting into any drama. Just stay with Loki for now." I gestured to the sleeping half breed in the room.
She looked down with sad eyes. "I'm sorry for making you mad. I always seem to be screwing things up. First with the kiss, now this."
Great. Now we're talking about the kiss and how much she thinks she has screwed this up. "I was the one that got sucked into this fantasy. I feel like I'm intruding."
"You're not intruding," she told me as she held my hands in her significantly smaller ones.
I immediately pulled away from her. "I'm an intruder. You and Loki already had something going and then I came along."
"You aren't really, I want to be with both of you!"
"You can't be with both of us, not at the same time!"
Her heart was starting to crack. "Why not?"
"You just can't."
"But if Loki says it's okay..."
"Now I know I'm intruding!" I said loudly. It had to be bad if I had to get the other boyfriend's permission. I turned my back to her to make another attempt to leave. "You'll be okay without me for a while."
I heard a small gasp from her. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Wow. I never guessed that I would be breaking up with my first boyfriend. "I'm just stepping aside and giving you and Loki some air. He'll do a better job of taking care of you here."
"But I want you too." She grabbed the sleeve of my shirt.
Then something unexpected came out of my mouth: laughter. Somehow I was amused that I would ever hear this. "Why?"
"Because I like you." She said this as though it was so obvious, which made me laugh even harder. She started to cry at the heartless creature before her. "Why are you laughing about my feelings? Is it a joke?"
The stupid dream came back to me in full force. "You'll leave sooner or later. They all do."
"No, I won't!"
"Just because you say it doesn't make it true. Just be happy with Loki."
It got more emotional as she threw her arms around me. "I want to be happy with you too."
"You'll be happier not having to try to keep both of us happy."
"Can I try?"
"You'll just get a headache," I warned her.
"Please dont do this!"
"If you want me to be happy, then keep your distance." With that, I left before she could stop me again.
Someone's being heartless...and stupid.
'I knew you'd pop up. Anyway, it's better for both of us if we didn't have to worry about a love triangle. Besides, things like this end up on Jerry Springer.'
Idiot. With that he withdrew again.
I returned to my bed and felt my exhaustion come back stronger than before. "Just pass me over, make believe that I'm not there..." I whispered as I went back to sleep.
Whoa, that was long. By the way, I was referencing 'Pass Me Over' by Anthony Hamilton. Haven't heard of him? Grab some soul and groove.