Review of “First Blood”

Plot (17/20 points): This was certainly a solid plotline. Granted, it’s not exactly your own, either (see below comments), but the Bible is often hailed as the greatest tale of all time, whether or not you believe it to be a true story. That did detract a little from the surprise factor for anyone familiar with the Book of Genesis, but it was still engaging. The plot did drag a little in the last few paragraphs (again, this may be a result of the reader already knowing the story), but still, it was certainly well-constructed, including the details that you added yourself.

Plot Originality (5/10 points): Well… no. Let’s face it, this was a Bible story, and there wasn’t much you could do to get around that. With that said, the way in which it was told – in particular, the perspective used – was a bit more unique, so you’ll get a bit of credit for that. It wasn’t quite as significant of a rewrite as, say, The Chronicles of Narnia, but there was still some originality there.

Writing Style (18/20 points): Very nice. This was probably your greatest strength. In a very short space you managed to draw us into the characters’ world. I also liked the touch of never using any names. (Granted, that made me believe that God was actually Hitler until the fourth paragraph, but the discovery of what was actually being conveyed made the story even more charming… as charming as a murder can be, anyway.) It was a well-executed technique.

Aside from a particularly awkward sentence beginning paragraph three, the first half of your piece was exceedingly strong. The writing style did grow a little strained toward the end; it seemed like you were trying to figure out how to make the ending climactic, but it didn’t quite work here. Perhaps it had something to do with the space within which you were working, but I didn’t get how Cain’s banishment was really a huge problem, especially since none of the consequences were explained in his retrospective remarks.

Spelling and Grammar (9.5/10 points): One particular sentence in the third paragraph was especially odd in this regard. Aside from that, there was the issue of conjunctions beginning a number of sentences. Technically this is fine in terms of grammar (despite what many school teachers may say), but it may be enough to throw off those who think they know a grammar rule that doesn’t actually exist. It’s worth being aware of that, if nothing else.

Characters (12/15 points): Aside from the anti-hero, the other characters didn’t take a particularly active role – even God was rather passively portrayed, as we could argue that Cain essentially did it to himself in a karmic manner. (Not to cross religions, but you see my philosophical point.) With that in mind, Cain was pretty well portrayed overall, and particularly so in the first half of the story. Any issues with his characterization only came about in the second half, when you were trying to simultaneously wrap up the story and show Cain’s character shift at once. Both were somewhat neglected, which was unfortunate given how easy it was to take on his mindset in the first half of the story. It’s a shame, too, because that shift was ultimately the most important part of his character, as the “after” version of Cain was the one telling the story.

The biggest issue, though, was that I never found myself particularly caring about anyone’s fate. I never really saw that Cain actually regretted his actions – the first sentence alluded to him still being unsure of any regret, even after being shunned by God Himself. He seemed more concerned with the fact that he got caught (omniscience will do that), which detracted a bit from any connection to his character. Since none of the other characters were developed at all, they felt more like faceless entities than beings worthy of pity, affection, adoration, or anything else. Maybe that was the goal, but it made the narrative feel just a little flatter than I would have liked. Someone unfamiliar with the underlying story would have found this even more troubling, as Cain’s actions would have seemed like utter nonsense.

Settings (12.5/15 points): You did what you could here in a short space, but while it was easy to immerse oneself in Cain’s mind, it wasn’t so easy to get into his world. In particular, it would have been helpful to see just a little more setting description shortly after the murder, during and following the search for Abel. There wasn’t quite enough of that, leaving me wondering whether the thunder came from a cloudless or suddenly overcast sky, and such.

Overall Appreciation (10/10 points): Despite its flaws, this was a captivating read most of the way through. There’s nothing more to say.

Final Result: 84/100 = 84%

Closing Comments: All in all, this piece exhibited many great qualities. You have a lot of writing skill, and the first half of this piece really showcased that ability. I do think we lost a bit of our connection with the character and with the world itself after the offering incident; if the latter parts of the narrative could have been condensed a bit, some greater emphasis on how Cain supposedly “broke” (emotionally/psychologically, beyond the explicitly described act of killing) would have been nice. Still, this was a quality piece, especially given the constraints you were given. It was a pleasure to review, and a greater pleasure to read.