Lisa the Legend: Chapter 82 - Last Night on Earth now up! (24th June 2013)

[mr_pikachu]

Wait. So, was Lance completely BSing Jim? Ooh… suddenly this casts a little doubt on the shining figure that is the Guard’s leader. How much can he really be trusted? Or is all of this a red herring? Did he simply make a mistake in deciding what information to believe, and was he merely trying to avoid riling up Jim further? Very, very interesting.

I have to say, I’m amazed that the beginning of this chapter was so intense. You did a great job of injecting intense emotion into an otherwise peaceful scene. Likewise, the “present” in this chapter was also captivating; given that the conversation degraded into a shouting match, though, it was probably a little easier to pull off that one.

As usual, I only have minor nitpicks to make about this chapter. Watch your grammar; there were one or two instances where you needlessly ended your sentences with prepositions. You might want to work just a little on eliminating redundant words during the editing process, too. This is the one flaw I do notice consistently in your writing. It’s very, very minor, but when the same word pops up multiple times over the span of one, two or three paragraphs (such as “enormous” during Jim’s entrance or “cool” as the argument reached its boiling point), it can catch the eye of your readers and cast aside the exceptional mood you’ve set.

That’s sort of a compliment in a criticism, as you continue to be one of the most skilled writers at mood setting that I’ve ever seen. It’s truly a gift to be able to take a squabble between father and son and make it feel like a life-or-death scenario. The characterization you use is also powerful, from major players (like Lance) to those who serve in the most minor roles (coffee girl). I liked how you interjected bits and pieces of the setting and character images into the text, too. The clash of Lance’s shirt with those of his teenage peers was good, as was the vision his shiny desk. Very good work! As usual, it’s hard to find anything beyond minuscule tweaks to suggest for your writing.

[Gavin Luper]

Brian: Cheers for the prompt reply, as always!

Indeed, what was Lance up to? I shall say nothing at all.

I actually felt the beginning of the chapter was the weakest part of it. I really had to write my way in until I felt comfortable, but that whole flashback still felt a little awkward and shoddy ... I was happy enough with it, however.

I hadn't even noticed about the redundant words, but now that you point it out, it is glaringly obvious. Especially for the "cool". That's what I get for not proofreading my chapters aloud ... I really ought to in future. That, and maybe I should take more time in writing them. They tend to pour out in torrents from my brain and I don't edit them as much as I probably should. Thanks for the nitpick, anyway: it'll definitely help me improve my writing.

Hoorah. You noticed the teenage Lance's different clothing. It was probably as subtle as a kick in the teeth, but I liked making that distinction. It's significant on a number of levels. Actually, this whole chapter was kind of hugely important, even though we didn't get to see any of Lisa or Gavin. What we do learn is that Lance isn't going to rescue Lisa, which I personally find pretty unsettling.

Also - what were those sentences you mentioned that ended with prepositions? I can't find them in a great hurry and I sense you might be faster at it than me.

Anyhoo - cheers for the critique, dude!