Wait. So, was Lance completely BSing Jim? Ooh… suddenly this casts a little doubt on the shining figure that is the Guard’s leader. How much can he really be trusted? Or is all of this a red herring? Did he simply make a mistake in deciding what information to believe, and was he merely trying to avoid riling up Jim further? Very, very interesting.

I have to say, I’m amazed that the beginning of this chapter was so intense. You did a great job of injecting intense emotion into an otherwise peaceful scene. Likewise, the “present” in this chapter was also captivating; given that the conversation degraded into a shouting match, though, it was probably a little easier to pull off that one.

As usual, I only have minor nitpicks to make about this chapter. Watch your grammar; there were one or two instances where you needlessly ended your sentences with prepositions. You might want to work just a little on eliminating redundant words during the editing process, too. This is the one flaw I do notice consistently in your writing. It’s very, very minor, but when the same word pops up multiple times over the span of one, two or three paragraphs (such as “enormous” during Jim’s entrance or “cool” as the argument reached its boiling point), it can catch the eye of your readers and cast aside the exceptional mood you’ve set.

That’s sort of a compliment in a criticism, as you continue to be one of the most skilled writers at mood setting that I’ve ever seen. It’s truly a gift to be able to take a squabble between father and son and make it feel like a life-or-death scenario. The characterization you use is also powerful, from major players (like Lance) to those who serve in the most minor roles (coffee girl). I liked how you interjected bits and pieces of the setting and character images into the text, too. The clash of Lance’s shirt with those of his teenage peers was good, as was the vision his shiny desk. Very good work! As usual, it’s hard to find anything beyond minuscule tweaks to suggest for your writing.